#But I think I ended up experimenting with my art style enough

[stubbet]

It was not art-block it was worst (long explanation at the end)

Have some of my wip for my self-indulgent zombie apocalypse au while I go figure things out. No ideas here are permanent and they are subject to change as soon as I figure things out.

Within the Safe camp, everyone is required to take a picture at least once every month. This is so that their loved ones may have something to remember them by if the worst ever come to past.

Recently, I realised that I am not having fun making art as much as I used to, and I was so scared, that I dug up my old sketchbooks to figure out what I was missing only to realise that I liked those ones more than I do my recent art.

The thing is by the time I made Yui and 'Failsafe', I had developed and internalized a very problematic mindset of needing to make things perfect, and needing to work all the time, because if I don't then I feel I'm not doing anything prouductive.

This mindset affected my process in making art, I became more critical towards myself -which isnt a bad thing, but it buried the idea that nothing I made was good enough. My own pressure discouraged me a lot, which is why I haven't really been that active. I tried ignoring these thoughts, but I just ended up internalizing them even more.

I've realised this all recently and have been trying to rid myself of this mindset, I tried immitating my old style in an attempt to ease myself back into my old mindset. For now, i'll let myself purposely relax instead of accidentally procrastinating and then guilting myself for not being productive. Maybe re-watch or catch up with some of my favorite shows (I haven't finished s2 of Rottmnt, I am still on the red light district in demon slayer, and I really wanted to watch dandadan and the new Ghibli movies.) Get some inspiration, learn more and experiment like I always loved to do! I might not be as active as I used to be for a long time, but I will try to be.

'Failsafe: the Blue's Children' is still being worked on. This is actually my 1st attempt to be rid of this bad mentality, and so is the Zombie au (it really is just a very self-indulgent au in the making, and I love it!)

Step one is to just get the main idea out there and make something I want to create regardless of whether or not I think it's perfect.

So... yeah. Thank you for understanding everyone.

(Ｔ▽Ｔ)

[viioledea]

“Watch your step once the earth awakens.”

[swampybogg]

[7-deadly-cats]

·.✿ killing me softly

M A S T E R L I S T // O N G O I N G S E R I E S

✿ G E N R E ✿ she fell first, he fell harder | slice of life | drama

!!! images are not depicting reader’s appearance. only capturing vibes !!!

✿ P A I R I N G ✿ s1!rafe cameron x overthinking!reader (f)

✿ G E N E R A L C W ✿ ➥ suggestive themes & light steam but smut-free main story ➥ explicit content (if any) in separate extras or will be marked as such

swearing, strong/suggestive/unfiltered language (dirty jokes & sometimes references to sex but honestly nothing explicit), suggestive themes, lots of overthinking/awkwardness from reader's side, hints at anxiety, tension, drama, attempt at canon!season1!rafe, reader and rafe are both 18

✿ S Y N O P S Y S ✿ your senior year of high school started, and you're just trying to make it through without completely falling apart. easy enough—until you're paired up with rafe cameron for a two-week project in art class. no big deal… except for the fact that you've been lowkey crushing on this guy since fifth grade, and saying hi without spiraling into a thousand worst-case scenarios? yeah, not exactly your style. so when caution and overthinking crash into impulsiveness and intensity, things are bound to get messy. he's pushy where you're hesitant, instinct-driven where you're always second-guessing, and somehow, the two of you drive each other crazy in ways that aren’t always for the better. but differences like that don’t always end in disaster—sometimes, they create the kind of chaos neither of you can walk away from unchanged. and while you're just trying to survive the two weeks without turning into a total awkward mess, rafe finds his patience tested, and every principle he's ever stood by starting to come undone.

✿ A B O U T R E A D E R ✿ ➥ meet killing me softly!reader NO description of her appearance except that she’s abled

✿ A / N ✿ i wanna try doing things organically aka developing their dynamic in a way that's not too rushed. this fic is a mix of everything. fluff, comedy, suggestive themes, jealousy, angst, drama. it’s an attempt at showing something real.

+ at some point there’ll probably be some mildly suggestive scenes (making out) and hints at intimacy but probably nothing too explicit (i’ll def put a cw and make it skippable if it does happen)

+ changed my posting rhythm; pls read this announcement for more information

+ this series will contain approx. 30 chapters

+ it's mostly written story with some smau elements (chats)

✿ A D D I T I O N A L S T U F F ✿ ➥ S U M M A R Y O F E V E R Y P A R T ➥ A S K S ➥ M E M E S

i highly recommend reading all extras for the whole experience + adds a lot of bg info to the main plot ☆ indicates explicit content // 18+ // mdni

✿ P A R T O N E

✿ P A R T T W O

✿ P A R T T H R E E

✿ P A R T F O U R

✿ P A R T F I V E

✿ P A R T S I X

✿ P A R T S E V E N

✿ P A R T E I G H T

✿ P A R T N I N E

✿ P A R T T E N

✿ P A R T E L E V E N

✿ P A R T T W E L V E

➥ E X T R A // rafe confronting topper about his ride offer

➥ E X T R A // wheezie teaching rafe reaction pics

✿ P A R T T H I R T E E N

✿ P A R T F O U R T E E N

✿ P A R T F I F T E E N

✿ P A R T S I X T E E N

✿ P A R T S E V E N T E E N

➥ E X T R A // rafe buying you a gift at the gas station

✿ P A R T E I G H T T E E N

✿ P A R T N I N E T E E N

✿ P A R T T W E N T Y

➥ E X T R A // rafe has a solo session thinking of you / ☆

✿ P A R T T W E N T Y - O N E

✿ P A R T T W E N T Y - T W O

✿ P A R T T W E N T Y - T H R E E (soon)

...

✿ F I N A L E

R. C. M A S T E R L I S T | T A G L I S T F O R M

[madamadamiu]

This is lowkey gonna be a delerious worldbuilding post while I’m sick and writing and sketching issue 2. I’m experimenting with different styles of workflows. On issue one I just wrote and drew it page by pge, but this time I’m writing the whole thing out first with planned panels and scripts.

I’m trying to figure out a good year for the cat shelter AU to take place in, and so far I’ve settled on the timeline of 2005-2010 range. This is gonna sound crazy but I want it to make sense for Ravage to be emo(and crying over Black Parade) as well as the lack of cell phones besides flip phones or somethingS

As for the actual cat shelter, the entire facility is a converted two-bedroom house that got turned into the shelter. The driveway got turned into a parking lot and Whirl lives in the bush next to the entryway stairs. The shelter is almost at the edge of town where a forest and mountain range is, think Appalachian mountains-esque in nature. Winding roads, humid summers, snowy winters, unpredicable weather, that whole shebang.

Iacon city itself is a medium sized valley city with many stray cat colonies, and their animal control takes themselves very seriously, not just for the sake of the cats but to preserve the native biodiversity. However, the decepticats put up a large fight.

I’m trying to figure out what kind of car Rung would drive, since he would need one to get around town. I’m thinking a car like this👇 1967 Mini Cooper, but more orange and run down obv. A stupidly old car to have even in the 2000s, but for some reason it’s a very reliable car for Rung.

Orion Pax would probably be riding in a pickup truck of sorts, it doesn’t really make sense for a guy to be riding around town in a big rig. I’d say 2004 Chevy Silverado. I’m still in the process of figuring out what his actual job would be. Maybe a firefighter? Someone who works with Animal Control enough to know both Rung and Prowl.

In regards to Ravage I wanted to give them more accessories bc they’re emo, but if you’ve worked with animals then you know that any bracelets or necklaces can be a hazard. So for the sake of the kitties, Ravage dresses more casual. Also for those who keep commenting that he looks like an Uchiha from Naruto… yeah….

It’s hard to figure out who to make human characters vs who to make cats. I want Overlord to be a human character, but I’m still on the fence about the DJD and the Scavengers.

When it comes to how much the AU follows the original MTMTE comics, I’m at a point where it’s 50% following and 50% me making up my own plots. Overlord being human doesn’t make sense when Megatron is a cat, but here we are.

If Ambulon joins the au I want him to have a patchy coat, a little half bald goober.

I don’t want the au to be 100% realistic, otherwise that would be BORING. If the AU was 100% realistic then the plot would just follow Rung doing a stupid amount of paperwork and vet financing.

I think it’s really funny when people comment “I’LL ADOPT THEM!!!!” On my art bc it reminds me of how some animals who are perfectly nice sit in shelters for YEARS but when they go viral theyre adopted in 10 seconds flat. Fort Max is too big to be adopted in Iacon, gets adopted by random person from Arkansas.

I love angst as much as the next guy but trust there shall be hella comfort at the end of this h/c train.

I figured I’ll end this off with the very first drawing I made of the captain trio as cats, which promptly bloomed into the full LL Cat Shelter AU. Oh how far we have come.

[sits-bound]

Bound: Drarry as written by GallaPlacidia

It's hard to tell from photos, but this is a big ol' book.

Over 11 inches tall and 9 inches wide.

For scale, next to a "normal" sized book.

It is done! I say that like I worked on it for months. Really, it was a couple of weeks. I've had the idea for a while to make an anthology of all of GallaPlacidia's fics (because the individual binds I did aren't enough? I guess?) but when I started to put one together, I realized it would be waaaaay too long for one volume (all together it's around 450k words) and if I had to divide it up, well, that kind of defeated the purpose.)

But then. I got a wide format printer. And I realized I could make it big. Print it on 11x17 sheets of paper so that each page was 8.5x11 instead of 5.5x8.5 like a regular folio bind is. However, the printer does not auto duplex, so I had to hand feed each signature through the printer to get the reverse sides printed. Happily, I didn't screw it up once!

This does mean that the paper is long grain, not short grain, but with this size paper, I don't think it makes a huge difference in the finished bind. This is 20lb paper, and I also bought 28lb paper, so I can cut it in half to make short grain letter sized paper in a pinch.

The typeset came together fairly easily because I already had 12 of the 13 fics already set, so it was just a matter of copying and pasting and then ensuring the styles were consistent. I kept things fairly simple, using a fancy dropcap that gave a kind of illuminated manuscript feel and then a few swirly bits and bobs to fill in white space here and there. The end papers came from Paper Source, they're just perfect.

And check out those end bands! I inadvertently made them in Hogwarts house colors.

I mainly use precut book boards for my half-letter sized binds, so they weren't going to be big enough for this. I had a bit of leftover bookboard I had bought off Amazon, but it was thinner than I wanted, so I bought some art board and glued them together to make some really sturdy book boards.

The spine is bookcloth and the covers are paper that I printed on the laser printer and then used toner foil on. I did this instead of covering it all in bookcloth because then I would have had to use HTV and I probably would have lost my mind trying to decorate a case this big in HTV, particularly when I had such an elaborate design in mind. I sprayed it with a fixative and used metal corner protectors so hopefully it will wear okay.

Oh, and the spine was foiled using a foil quill and my silhouette. I was very pleased with how well it foiled. Of course I had to make it twice because I messed up the spacing the first time. OF COURSE.

And then I had to make the back cover three times but it's FINE. It all worked out. When I pressed it during my second attempt, I didn't put any scrap paper in the press to absorb moisture, so it got very wavy. Third time was the charm!

One interesting thing about making this bind (and why I don't really feel the need to repeat this experiment) is that many of my tools, like my punching cradle and the press I use when gluing and sewing endbands, were too small for this, so I had to improvise here and there. But it all worked out!

GallaPlacidia's fics are no longer on AO3 but there's a google drive of them here. And all of my binds of her fics are here.

[featherspiral]

Hey (im nervous I've never sent an ask to anyone before hehe) just wanted to let you know that you are one of- if not the- biggest inspiration for my art

I had/have troubles branching out with my art and I normally end up settling on styles that I'm just okay with. But seeing your art inspires me to try new things!

Do have any artists that consistently inspire you? Unless you've answered that before, then just ignore that question (can u tell im newvous lmao)

aaughgh maaan😭😭 tysmm <333 it means so so much to hear people say my art inspires them that's so awesome to me always <33

and I have a looot of inspirations that go into my art!! to absolutely nobody's surprise I'm very inspired by old fairytale illustrations/ storybooks, particularily the work of Nika Goltz and John Bauer, also the artwork done for the russian localization for warrior cats by Leonid Nasyrov (absolutely stunning) I also looove movies like Angels Egg, The Last Unicorn, and The Secret of Kells those have been rlly big inspirations art wise! I'm a huge huge fan of very whimsical looking shape heavy stylization, though I think those particular inspirations are generally more prevalent in my older/traditional art because I've been really wanting to experiment with art a bit more, mostly in shape language and colors (which was something i felt my art was lacking for a long time so its so so SO wonderful to hear so much positivity on those specific aspects 🙏)

also and I cannot POSSIBLY stress this enough!! a HUUUGE inspiration for practically all of my art is music!!! I could probably trace most drawings on my page to a particular song that put the image in my head, or that I listened to on repeat while drawing it. which is why I be writing so many lyrics on drawings I love to do that LOL listening to music I love just fills my head with inspiration even if it's nothing in particular

anywayz btw chat never be afraid to send asks I love being interacted with idgaf ask me what I had for dinner even if it takes me like a week to respond LOL

[felassan]

Snippets. 🐺💜 DA:TV spoilers under cut.

Carly: Lucanis is "pretty average [height] everyone else is ridiculously tall" [source]

John: "getting absolutely dummied by an encounter in the game you work on as your day job is a uniquely humbling experience" [source] Trick: "Me desperately doing side quests to bulk up before the next big critpath beat because I KNOW I am not currently good enough at Rogue to beat that meat grinder at my current level and gear without dropping the difficulty back down." [source]

John: "hands up if you’re in game dev and have ever caught yourself searching Google for a guide to the game you’re working on that’s not even out yet" [source]

Flaming greatswords? ^^ [source]

Jay: "God, I remember the concept art for this scene" [source] (the scene in the gameplay reveal when Solas sheds a tear when it fails)

Kala: "Thinking back to playing Dragon Age Veilguard with the Council and all the fun we had, the crying (mostly me) and the shock at some of the surprises (especially Caitie) and I can't believe that's gonna be the entire fanbase soon. I can't wait to experience it with everyone" [source]. "I genuinely cannot wait for everyone to see Veilguard. I *know* for a fact there is going to be things people will freak out about, just like we did. There's A LOT people will love. Everyone will have stuff they don't like, which is inevitable, but there's so much to love" [source] Caitie: "Holding hands and sharing headphones because i unlocked the [redacted] scene first ❤️ Fond memories 😭😭" [source]

Trick on some of the chairs in the Lighthouse library group screenshot: "As much as I ADORE the idea of Solas sneaking out of Skyhold with a U-Haul packed to the brim with furniture and all the good mage gear you gave him, I expect it's likely just a common Fereldan style." [source]

Caitie: "If it helps- ive also seen silly ‘head canons’ and jokes thats will end up true haha" [source]

Caitie: "I'm not sure if we can say where we ended up in the story- but we got farther than the GI guy did it seems! By quite a bit. Did not get close to finishing it, however." [source]

Kala: "Pssst… we saw the companion rooms and the Lighthouse and it was really something amazing 👀👀" [source]

edit/update:

here are some more snippets which were posted by the Dragon Age official YouTube account in the livechat on one of the videos last month:

"There are lots of hairstyle options, we’ll have much more to share on the character creator in the coming weeks!"

"It wouldn’t be a Dragon Age game without a visit to the Deep Roads!"

"Our team spent a lot of timing refining combat and making it feel fluid and fun whether you play as a Warrior, a Mage, or a Rogue"

"It wouldn’t be a Dragon Age game without consequences! Your choices will influence the world of Thedas, as well as relationships with your companions"

A user asked "Are you a Fen’Harel spy?" Dragon Age replied "👀"

[himluv]

Man. Woke up to some absolutely rancid developments in the fandom this morning. I haven't had coffee yet, so bear with me:

Dragon Age: The Veilguard came out almost EIGHT MONTHS ago. Even before launch, the negativity was there — art style complaints, "women aren't allowed to be hot," complaints about the OST, etc. – but once the game was out, the shitstorm really got rolling.

Every article suggested to me was about how "woke" Veilguard was, always with thumbnails of Taash, as if their mere existence in a video game was cause for outrage. Within DAYS, Metacritic user reviews were at a 3 vs. a then aggregate score of 85 from critic reviews. And almost EVERY negative review talked about top surgery scars, Taash, the use of the word nonbinary, and how the character creator didn't allow for "hot" enough female characters.

I ignored it then, because that sounded to me like typical Dude Bro™ capital G gamer bullshit. I stayed locked in and played Veilguard through to the end in less than a week. I loved it, and I was unabashed in my love for the game then, posting about how much it affected me, what I loved and what it gave me to think on. I immediately started another playthrough and began writing fic a few days later.

As of this writing, I have written 254,000 words of fanfic since November 13, 2024. When I tell you I love this game... Let that be the proof.

I thought, surely, as the newness wears off and the spotlight fades, the conversation around Veilguard will change. And... I guess, it did. It got worse. A very vocal subset of fans – of whom I would previously have considered myself a member – decided that this game and its treatment of our sad little meow meow (affectionate) was a personal attack. "Fans" started talking about the developers like it was celebrity gossip and wrote honestly brutal and horrible things about NORMAL PEOPLE doing their JOBS!

Things were circling the drain then, and I read the signs well. I blocked some folks and merely unfollowed others, some I'd been following since the start of this blog back in 2017. We disagreed about Solas in Veilguard in basically every way, to the point where it was negatively affecting my love for the character. I extricated myself quietly (not that I'd been a huge presence to begin with).

But, I'd spent the majority of 2024 consuming all the Dragon Age tie-in media. ALL OF IT. And Veilguard relies on tie-in media a lot, So, I started posting about that, and how Veilguard did a good job, actually, of using that media and how having read the books/comics only heightened my experience with the game.

That went... poorly. I blocked some folks who accused me of things I didn't say and who clearly weren't reading my analysis with any sort of positive intent. I was Wrong and my interpretations were Wrong and how dare I have the audacity to love a video game of a franchise I have been hyperfocused on since 2009??? Apparently the game is bad and my reading analysis and comprehension skills are Bad and I should be yelled at for it.

(y'all, I went to school for English/Writing, am a librarian by day and a professional specfic author by night... like. You don't have to agree with my analyses, but... this is what I do???? I read things and think about them and write about them and help others do the same???).

But, I blocked and moved on with my life. And I have been absolutely PROLIFIC with that block button. And I've largely avoided any backlash (yes, backlash – to deny its existence is willful ignorance and, frankly, dishonest) because of my willingness to block any and every shit take I've seen on this site.

I've stayed in my corner, loving this game with an absolutely beautiful community of folks who encourage and nurture creativity. Word games, prompt tags, weekly events. It is a wonderful place to be a Veilguard fan.

But, it HAD to be a carefully curated corner, because even a step outside of this bubble was filled with so much hate, and ANY attempt to engage or interact with a Veilguard positive lens was met with complete vitriol. And it has just agitated itself into a rabid froth of cruelty. Not just toward the game, but devs and fans.

Dislike of a game fermented into personal attacks against people who LIKED A VIDEO GAME and didn't think it deserved to be shit on so badly that an entire development team lost their jobs. That people pointing out how VITAL the queer rep in Veilguard is in THIS moment shouldn't be attacked. That pointing out how the game focuses on community action and smaller, personal stories of hope and perseverance is actually REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW and shouldn't come with a risk of being doxxed.

Eight months. It's been eight months of this behavior and it is only getting worse. I'm not sure what I wanted to say with all of this. I'm mad. Worried for my friends. I'm disappointed. And also... man. I still love Dragon Age. Have loved Dragon Age since 2009. Nothing that happens on tumblr will make that less true.

But, if you don't love Dragon Age any more... maybe... move on? Find something you do love? Because, as angry and disappointed and worried as I am... I'm also sad. I'm sad that so many people are seemingly obsessed with something they don't even like. That's no way to enjoy life. We only get so many days on this planet and spending them so angry and hurt that you want other people to be angry and hurt... it's sad. Not in a like... pathetic way, but in a genuine, heartfelt it-makes-me-feel-sad-that-others-feel-like-this kind of way.

[meanbossart]

I'm not sure if it's been asked before but first of all your writing skills are just incredible🤌 After reading "A Novel Experience" it was like scratching an itch that I couldn't quite reach after years of reading burnout. In summary I was genuinely interested in how have you improved and developed your writing skills? Like honestly your writing is so addictive and captivating that (respectfully) there just has to be some kind of exposure to expression through literature, or perhaps you are just simply into reading. (That's a lot of yap and sorry if it's personal in a way or another. Also thank you for inspiring me and other people alike, you are a phenomenal artist 🙏)

Oh, thank you! I am beyond flattered and I truly appreciate that you enjoy my writing so much. To be honest I am actually very dissatisfied with my work for about half of A Novel Experience - when I started it, I had no audience, I just wrote and posted the first chapter as an epilogue for the game since the canonical ending felt pretty abrupt (we didn't have the official epilogue with the extended dialogue or Wither's party back then).

Then, I just felt like I had more to say, so I kept writing and by chapter 4-5 I had this huge story plotted out. I wrote a lot of those early chapters very quickly, and often while a little drunk, and considered them rough outlines rather than a finished work. When the story and my art began picking up traction I started to put more effort into my style and presentation, which is why chapters take a LOT longer to write nowadays - but I can confidently say that I am very proud of everything that came after The Compound.

I'm not really a reader, I'd be surprised if I read more than 30 books in my entire 28 years of life, and frankly I only started to enjoy fantasy very recently through admiring many of the fromsoft games from afar, and of course by finally playing Baldur's Gate 3.

One thing I will say is that the fictional books I've read that really stuck with me - and that I would consider to have influenced the way I write - have all had very unorthodox styles. Blindness by Jose Saramago is page after page of overwhelming walls of texts that read like a slowing-down clock or an agonizingly tight turning of screws; Blood Meridian is a nearly incoherent babble written by a man who outgrew the need or patience for commas or proper sentence separation, who knowingly disregarded grammar for the sake of feel. The Consumer is a collection of borderline pornographic and horrible, horrible stories where every character is abstracted into a wider social phenomenon, point of view is irrelevant and there is no line between narrative, dissertation, or poem.

Unlike the aforementioned works and their authors, I'm not talented (or crazy) enough as a writer to COMPLETELY forego construction and grammar, but I do feel perfectly confident in prioritizing feeling and flow over what is "correct" and experimenting with text in the same way I would on a drawing. I don't think any of this makes me good at it, but hopefully it makes it interesting or unique enough to stand out. It also means that, despite disliking those first few chapters, I don't really mind having them out there, since my purpose with them was to just have fun and try to capture "a vibe" rather than show myself off as some sort of wordsmith.

Well then, I've definitely outyapped you so we're even now. Hopefully this was interesting in the slightest!

[quokkaholic]

Aquarium Guy h.j

Warnings/ tags: Pure delulu fluff, gn reader (if you consider guy neutral, which I do obv), little cussing. Minimally proofed

Synopsis: You work for a hobby aquarium store that offers in-home installation. After Han impulse buys a fish tank online, he sets up an appointment with you to help set it up, which leads to many subsequent appointments definitely for the fish and not to have an excuse to see you. (romance anime style with mutual pining and slight angst that could easily be solved by communicating your feelings with nothing but a sweet confession at the end. where all my romance lovers at? 🙋👋)

.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝

After loading your supplies into the comically large, industrial strength waggon you have to use to carry all your heavy and expensive equipment and lugging it through the halls of the high class apartment complex, you are out of breath as you press the doorbell outside of the door of the apartment number you have written on crumpled piece of paper in your pocket. The size of the tank and location are all the information you had received form your deadbeat manager leaving you to pack way more fixings than are necessary to ensure the customer had options. The lack of details could very well be due to the customers indecisiveness or simply not knowing enough to have opinions yet, but it's more likely that your manager didn’t even care enough to ask about it. In this job, you are more often than not setting up tanks for people with no experience keeping fish, and many don’t even want to learn; they just want living art in their homes. It gives you a job, but you often end up working with snooty people. You have no reason to expect anything less today. As you wait for the customer to answer the door, you go into customer service mode, thickening your skin in case you are to be barked at and ordered around for the next few hours and going over your script in your head.

A chipper but cautious voice comes from the speaker above the button asking of your identity, and your mind races with uncertainty. Are you at the wrong place? As you reach for the paper with the address in your pocket, you nervously answer,

“This is y/n from The Fish Bowl; I’m here for the appointment booked to this address...”

“Oh shi..” is all you hear before shuffling on the other side of the door, and it is flung open. To your surprise, a breathtaking man in casual attire opens the door completely destroying the image of a crotchety well-to-do you had been preparing for. You’re always a bit nervous about home visits, but the fact that he’s got to be around your age, and his casual demeanor mixed with his kind features, puts you at ease.

“So sorry, please come in! Let me help you.”

“Don’t worry I got it. It's my job” you respond, pulling the cart behind you. The place is decorated simply but it's still homey. He lets you know the tank will be in his room as he leads you there. The space is by no means dirty, but it's obviously lived in, which is honestly nice to see when most of the houses you end up at are sterile and maintained that way as a show of status.

“Sorry it's a mess, I may have forgotten I booked this…” his words trail off with a nervous smile.

“This is NOT dirty; I think your room is very cute and nice, but if you need me to come back another time, that's more than fine. What day would work better for-?” He cuts you off slightly panicky,

“No! No, today is great! Plus you’re already here; I just booked it on impulse and it slipped my mind. I’m sorry, again, but I’m really excited about this!”

“Please stop apologizing! I’m working for you today,” you say as you begin rifling through your supplies, hastily getting to work before you make things even more awkward. Han takes a seat on his bed. You work in silence, removing the basic items to get started with.

“You really think my room is cute?” There's a coyness to his voice.

“For sure! It has a lot of character. I really like that,” you say glazing around the room, eyes landing on stacks of manga, old game consoles, and multiple guitars before landing on the large empty tank resting on a desk along the wall opposite his bed and continuing,

“The aquarium is gonna look really sick in here,” a huge smile spreads across his face,

“That's what I'm saying! My friends think it's just another stupid purchase. I’ll admit, I buy a lot of useless stuff online, but this is not one. It's gonna be legendary.”

Having to help him though the decisions of what style filter and aquascaping he wants, you quickly learn how indecisive Han is. His answers to every question flip flopping back and forth for an eternity with a million questions about your experience and personal tanks and your opinions, often landing on whatever you say you have or like. If he wasn’t so cute and sweet, you’d probably be annoyed by now. His genuine curiosity and lust for knowledge are beyond endearing.

Many of your clients barely speak to you beyond the bare minimum, a lot aren’t even home while you're there, but Han casually lounges in the room chatting away. You can feel him watching your every move; it made you a bit nervous at first, but it quickly became obvious that he is just enthralled by the process, frequently commenting little ‘woah’s and ‘It's just like the video I saw!’

When the set up is done, he helps you fill the tank with water and pack up your equipment. Once the hard work is done, you give him the run down accompanied by the informational pamphlet, and his overflowing excitement is quickly replaced with utter disappointment when you inform him that the tank still isn’t ready, as it needs time to cycle before it's safe for fish. His jaw going slack and eyes bugging when you broke the news.

“I’m so sorry, Sir, I mean, Han,” He had asked you to speak casually with him when he found out you are in fact close in age, causing both your cheeks to slightly heat at you slip of the tongue before you bulldoze right over the awkwardness to continue the conversation,

“My manager should have informed you, I used special substrate and established media in the filter, which should speed up the process, but it could still take up to around 2 weeks,” his big eyes are brimming with sadness, dismay sullying his beautiful face. You just had to do something,

“How about we give it like five or six days and then I can start dropping by daily to test the water, that way we can get you your babies as soon as possible?” at your offer his exuberance returns along with immense gratitude. He tries to be polite and decline your offer, but you can tell it's just a formality, and he's desperate for his tank to be filled. He is a flustered mess when you tell him that what you're offering isn’t a service through your job, but a kindness that you want to provide because he is the best customer you’ve had in a long time, and you are genuinely excited to help him as you enter your personal number into his phone. That evening you receive yet another thanks from Han with details to set up the next time you’ll be over.

Six days later, you are back at the apartment ringing the doorbell. Instead of hearing Han’s cheery voice from the speaker, a more serious and suspicious voice comes out,

“Who are you?”

You weren’t prepared for this. You thought Han would just open the door, as you showed up right at the time he was expecting you. You even got there a bit early and sat in your car to ensure you’d arrive perfectly on time. You weren’t prepared for another introduction; you hadn’t practiced your lines.

“Oh um, I’m the… the aquarium guy?” you stutter out, just trying to say something, so he doesn’t assume you're some freak or solicitor. 

“What?” Did he not hear you, or was he genuinely confused by your answer?

“I’m here to test the water of Mr. Han’s aquarium, he should be expecting me” a faint noise of approval is all you hear in response before a shout coming from the other side of the door.

“Mr. Han-yah, the aquarium guy is here!” the unknown tenant yells naggingly into the apartment. Soon the door is pulled open to reveal Han slightly flustered, assumedly he’d run from his room on the other side of the apartment. He introduced you to his roommate who must’ve been the one you spoke to. He was polite but not particularly interested in making conversation, which you appreciated as you were feeling particularly shy after your interaction through the speaker.

The visit was short. You made quick work of testing the water, putting some water in vials and adding the testing solutions before setting the timers and observing the color changes. The awkwardness that dissipated after spending a few hours together almost  a week ago has returned, maybe even stronger than when you first met as you guys are in that weird phase when strangers become acquaintances. If it weren’t for Han's persistent curiosity, you probably would've spent the whole ten minutes in uncomfortable silence, but thankfully Han’s mind thirsts for knowledge, and he did not allow a single step in the process go by without asking at least one question. Unfortunately, you had to break the news that the tank was in fact not ready, and break his sweet little heart all over again. It hurt to have to break his spirits once again; you warned him that it probably wouldn't be ready for two weeks, but his excitement, and your unprofessional interest in him, has you continuing to show up at his apartment daily for another week, everyday having to crush his dreams of being a fish dad all over again. 

Despite repeatedly dashing his hopes, the visits became something you looked forward to desperately. They were at all hours of the day to meet his complex schedule, but you always made time for him. The quick drive by water tests shifted to prolonged aquaria talks to straight up just hanging out under the guise of work. Even though not all of your meetings were during work hours, a lot of them were; you knew it was wrong to be hanging out on the clock, but one look at Han’s giddy face every time he lays eyes on you makes the guilt disappear instantly. It’s not like you're neglecting any job duties, time you typically would be wasting at the office are now being spent more effectively “building customer relations”. At least that is the answer you had prepared if your manager ever asked what you were doing, but he never did. He could not care less of your whereabouts and was probably happy to have you off his back and out of his hair. 

The day after the levels looked correct you arrived bright and early with bags of colorful fish, you had painstakingly helped Han pick out with the help of Lee know. Even as a three man job, it took hours. After all that you ended up with a selection that looked strikingly similar to the set up of one of your community tanks you have set up at home. Even though Lee know acted uninterested, he sat with Han, watching you work and put the finishing touches on the tank before floating the fish. You all spent time gaming as the fish acclimated to the temperature of the tank. Once the temperature was equalized, you began drip-acclimating them to the water parameters. The drips were excessively slow and some would argue, unnecessary as the fish you all chose were on the hardy side to accommodate Han's inexperience, but you were definitely being extra careful, and not just making excuses to spend all day with them. Han ordered you all food, which you overly thanked him for, but he insisted that you deserved it for all your hard work.

When the fish were added and supplies were packed, you talked to Han about tank maintenance, and offered him the tank maintenance package that your work provides. He seemed extremely on board until he made a joking comment,

“I can’t be a single dad of twenty! You have to help me care for my babies,” he commands with a silly grin.

“Oh han,” you fein condescension “I was promoted beyond sucking up fish poop months ago; I’ll send one of my underlings to do that,” you jest, but it is not as well received as you would have  hoped, Han’s face drooping for a moment before continuing the jesting conversation,

“Underling? What are you an anime villain?”, he asks. You pause for a moment before answering with a mischievous smirk,

“Definitely not…” His acting is on point as he acts out the dramatic reveal of the big bad. The slight disappointment still barely visible in his face as he continues,

“Maybe you could just teach me how to do it myself! I’ll figure out something for when I’m traveling when the time comes; I'll hold off for now. So you just do set ups or..?” 

“Yeah mainly setups and upgrades,” you say trying to maintain familiarity, but it is obvious his mind is slowly slipping somewhere else. You quickly say your goodbyes as it's starting to get dark, and you still have to drop off the equipment back at the office.

The next day, you take some time to yourself and have a bit of a slow morning since you worked late last night. When you arrive at the shop, you settle in checking emails sipping on your fancy latte you actually had the time to make. You deserved a treat. You couldn’t quite pin down the reason, but the day felt a bit lackluster. Maybe you slept weird, maybe it was just one of those days, or maybe you didn’t have a meeting at a cute boys apartment to look forward to. After responding to the miscellaneous messages, you check your schedule to see if your manager booked you out for anything coming up. There were a few installs you knew you had coming up, but a highlighted date for your soonest appointment next week was new. After clicking on it and reading the description, a smile tugged at your lips, your heart raced, and the day seemed a bit less dim. Han was on your books for a lighting upgrade.

You looked forward to seeing him all week. You’ve gotten close enough that you will text about stuff unrelated to work, but neither of you are comfortable extending the conversation, so it usually just starts off with a fish tank questions and goes back and forth a bit before reaching a natural stopping point and then lies dormant until he sends you more questions or update pictures on the fish he insists are your god children, frequently adding that they “miss you very much”.

When you arrive at the apartment you have become all too familiar with, Lee know is once again the one to answer the door, which you have come to realize is the norm, and he shouts that the ‘aquarium guy is back’. He has taken quite fondly to calling you the silly name you gave yourself in a flustered panic, even going as far a s saving it as your contact in his phone. You question if he even knows your real name, yet he treats you like a friend nonetheless. Your lighting install takes little more than an hour, but you end up staying for a few; Lee know cooking you all lunch, before they are the ones who have to cut the hangout short as they have some appointments. 

The next day, you follow your usual routine of checking emails and then schedule to see Han has booked you again to install a CO2 injector. You were very clear in explaining he didn’t need one because his plants are beginner friendly, but you won’t pass on another chance to see him. Despite being more than happy to keep this up, there's a nagging in your head reminding you that it can’t go on forever.

A few days later, you have to go to Han’s house late in the evening, as it was the soonest free time he had that you were available. You offered to push it back a few days, but he vehemently refused the rescheduling. When you arrive, Han is looking a little less put together than usual, sweats and an oversized hoodie with his hair pushed back in a ball cap and barefaced. He must’ve been at practice; he looks so exhausted. Feeling bad for keeping him up, you have to keep reminding yourself that he insisted that you be there. He tried to apologize for his appearance, but you shut him up quickly with a string of compliments that flew from your lips before you could think twice. He just looked so soft and cuddly which is only exaggerated by his flushing cheeks and ears. Yanking yourself swiftly from your admiring trance to avoid getting locked in it for the rest of the evening, you get to work hooking up valves and tubing before dialing in the right amount of gas to be released.

Finally connecting it to the lighting timer system. Usually, you’d take your sweet time chatting Han up while you work or just rush through the install to have more time to purely hangout, but since it was already so late, you opt to work in concentrated silence, only talking to feed Han information about his new system. After double and triple checking that the flow of gas is appropriate and there are no leaks in any of the connections, you hastily gather your stuff hoping to leave Han to get some rest after his ling day. He is already dozing off in a beanbag in the corner, a vintage handheld gaming system resting in his lap still playing idle music. You whisper a goodbye over your shoulder heading out the door, but before you cross the doorway back into the hallway, calloused fingertips wrap around your wrist.

“Wait...” his speech is broken up by a yawn, using his free hand to rub the sleep from his eyes, 

“Let me take you to dinner?” it's less of a question and more of an order.

“Hannie,” a sweet nickname you’ve subconsciously adopted from Lee know, 

“you’re so tired, don’t even try to deny it,” you respond to his ask, accurately predicting his next tactic causing his mouth to close as he swallows his words and contemplates a backup plan,

“Fine, I am tired, but I’m also sooo hungry,” he pleads with puppy dog eyes, dramatically gripping his stomach, trying to pull the sympathy card, but that ends up backfiring, as you’re now concerned that he isn’t taking care of himself.

“You haven’t eaten?! Come on man!” chastising him in a joking tone. His imploring face turns to one of shock as he goes to defend himself,

“I rushed home after we finished to see you! I bet you haven’t had dinner either!” His read is valid, pointing out your hypocrisy. If his comment about skipping out on food to see you wasn’t enough to drain the sternness from your tone, your embarrassment over your sanctimonious scolding was. Sighing, you relent, 

“Fine, but you aren’t calling a ride, I’ll drive.”

Dinner with Han was the highlight of your week. You try not to think about it, but recently he has become the highlight of every week. The conversation is pleasant as ever; Han's silly nature has you sending jokes back and forth filling the nearly empty restaurant with bellowing laughter, even earning some snickers from the older cashier/server you could only assume is the owner or at least related to them. At one point, you even choke on your soda when Han made some offhand, absurd comment causing you to spit the drink, luckily, into a napkin and not his face or food, earning concerned looks from the few other tables and another lambasting from you. He insisted on paying for your meal, making it feel even more like a date, which only made your heart sink more as you laid in bed reflecting on the evening, once the post-date high wore off after dropping him off. There was only one upgrade left that you offer, and you had a strong inclination that the next time you worked, there would be that last appointment made at that cute man’s apartment.

Unsurprisingly, there was a new appointment with the all too familiar address for your earliest availability, but the whole calendar had been cleared after that. You would ask your manager about it, but he wasn’t in the store, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. You asked some of the other aquarium techs, but they hadn’t seen him either. It wasn’t till you entered the customer facing portion of the store and spoke to the cashier that they broke the news that your shit-head manager was finally canned for not completing job duties. While it was long overdue and definitely for the best for the company, you couldn't help but worry that the replacement would be stricter on your scheduling and keep a closer eye on your whereabouts, but that shouldn’t really be a problem after your appointment with Han tomorrow. After a quick phone call with upper management, you realize it actually won’t be a concern at all, as you’ve been promoted, you are the replacement.

You toyed with the idea of cancelling on Han; if you keep pushing it off, there would never be a last booking. You could save the final install for when you were ready to say goodbye, but you knew that day wouldn’t come. Plus if you pushed it off too much, they would probably just give the appointment to someone else so you can focus on your new managerial duties. Han had obviously become more than a client, not even the most delusional, irrational person could deny your growing feeling for him. It would be better to just rip the bandage off and move on. You steel yourself as you ring the doorbell one last time with your stupid cart filled with the supplies for a small brine shrimp hatchery, so he can have live food for his spoiled babies. 

Soon after letting you in, Han had to take a phone call, leaving you alone in his room. You were simultaneously grateful for not having to navigate telling him that you won’t be seeing him anymore just yet and sad that your last hangout with him was sabotaged by some important conversation he just had to have right now when he should be hovering over you gushing about all the documentaries he has been watching or games he's been playing. When he finally enters the room, he finds you gathering your things.

“Damn, you're already finished?”

“No worries, Mr. Han. I’m all done here; you've got the whole shabang. Very jealous. Your fish are very lucky to have you,” you say, trying to cover your sadness with some joking sass, but it comes out a bit more cold than you would’ve liked, returning to formalities trying to solidify the customer and worker dynamic in your mind. The tightness in your chest making your trash acting skills even worse. Trying not to look his way for too long, especially due to the puzzled expression written all over his face as he tries to figure out what has come over you, you keep your head buried in your bag. 

“I’m sorry, I wouldn't have taken the call if I didn’t have to,” he apologizes trying to solve your sour mood. 

“No! It's fine, really! Please don’t be sorry; just feel like I missed out a little…” you confess; you are upset but not at him, and you can’t leave him thinking he had done something wrong. At your words the smile he had greeted you with returns to his lips,

“I’ll just have to bother you extra next time,” he says in a mocking tone. Face scrunching as you search for the words for a moment,

“Like I said, you’ve gotten all the upgrades available…” letting your words trail off, hoping he would put two and two together.

“Oh… well…I think Lee know said he wants a tank in his room for enrichment for the cats, or... maybe we could put one in the living room; that would look cool, right?” He is racking his brain for ideas to keep you around. You force a smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes as you relay the ‘good’ news,

“I’ve actually been promoted again. This is my last appointment as an aquarium tech.” His face drops reminding you of when you denied him fish all those weeks ago, and if you thought it was heartbreaking then, the look on his face is practically earth shattering. He’s done trying to cover his motives, he decides before speaking softly,

“I don’t want to stop seeing you” his words are barely audible. Just as your words shocked him into confession, his do the same to you.

“I’d gladly go back to sucking up fish poop to keep spending time with you,” your admission triggers such a strong grin from him that it pinches his misty eyes causing the tears to gather in the corners threatening to spill down his pink cheeks that match your own. After a deep breath with just the trace of a quiver, he makes a proposition,

“How about you start coming over as my,” he pauses looking for the right word, 

”friend,” he lands on skeptically, like he was planning on saying something else,

“not my aquarium guy?”

.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝 ｡𖦹°‧.° ｡𖦹˚ 𓆝

A.n- yes is do keep fish, how’d you know? This was inspired by the Han and Bang chan interview on Jaefriends when Han admits to being a big online/impulse shopper or “pushover consumer”. This took me so long to write; smut remains so much easier for me to write. I guess it's easier to be horny and depraved than to be wholesome and vulnerable. will consult the council on this one.

-mo 🐠

pic creds: pinterest x x

Masterlist

[literary-illuminati]

2025 Book Review #10 – meat4meat (ed. Gray Levesque)

This is I think the first book I have ever read before it was published – as of posting the crowdfunding campaign is still ongoing! - so it’s a fun novelty to be able to say that I received an early copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The book itself is also – well okay no, ‘fun’ is probably not actually the correct word, but it’s a body horror collection that succeeded at making me physically queasy at several points so it’s an unqualified artistic success in at least one dimension.

meat4meat is a short story horror anthology – specifically body horror, extra specifically body horror as written by trans and disabled authors (to quote the marketing copy, ‘by those who know it best’) – properly speaking it is an illustrated anthology, but that art wasn’t ready for inclusion in the copy I read, so I’ll stick to talking about the writing. Within the very vague remit the book sets out for itself, there’s no real unifying theme or much of a throughline between the eighteen stories included. They’re all very much short stories – I don’t think any were over twenty pages? - and flipping between them is a study in serial whiplash. Writing style, subject matter, thematic concerns and perspectives, even just conceptions of what ‘body horror’ means all vary drastically from story to story.

To be clear, I consider this a huge positive – it’s an anthology that really lives up to the potential of the medium, and makes an honest effort of capturing the diversity of perspective that’s pretty clearly part of the artistic project here. It also just keeps the reading experience from ever dragging or getting monotonous – if I do not vibe with one author (as is inevitable with these things), there’s a dozen and change others with entirely different takes on the subject. Even if it is somewhat grating to have one story use different paragraph breaks and spacing from the next.

I’m on record as often being pretty annoyed with how ‘horror’ as a genre label is used in books these days – which is to say how often it ends up being life-affirming tales of togetherness and found family but cast from the universal monsters catalogue – so for the sake of consistency I should really praise meat for really living up to the genre label. Even the stories happily framed from the perspective of something monstrously inhuman and happy about it are more than fucked up enough to still be compelling reading.

I’m also very much on record as thinkingthat horror is far better suited to short stories than novels; the extra length of which seems to bring a pressure towards explaining things and giving neat, validating endings on the one hand and on dragging out the tension past what the reveal can sustain on the other. This book’s an excellent case study of that – most of the stories are bare handfuls of scenes, hitting a particular beat or bit of imagery with as much force as they can; very nearly all of them can be summed up as ‘something really fucked up happens to someone’. Triumphantly happy and reassuring endings are thin on the ground, extended denouncements nonexistent. If anything, there are a couple stories that probably could have used a bit more space to breathe – ending up feeling more like imagery without the connective tissue or context to really make it land – but that’s just the natural tradeoff of the format forcing focus and writing economy.

Speaking of imagery – the book advertises itself as a body horror anthology, and it is not lying. There are several stories I would really recommend skipping if you have a weak stomach (which is, in this context, high praise). There’s also several stories that do take a more symbolic or oblique tack when discussing the ruin and gore they make of the human body (a couple of them are some of my favourites in the whole book), but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the most memorable by far are the gleefully, explicitly vulgar and carnal ones. Here meant in the most literal sense of being fixated on the mess and meat of your body, the way parts of you can swell and suppurate and rot and burst before your eyes (though there are one or two that leave you acutely aware the only difference between horror and niche erotica is framing and perspective).

The anthology is themed around trans and disabled authors, and it’s really very interesting how different stories lean into that. Some are very literally and directly about e.g. the misery and desperate hope of looking for a doctor who can help you until you’re willing to look past every red flag from one who says they will, others are far more symbolic or metaphorical (or else simply aren’t stories I would have though to view through that lens if they were in any other book). There is little (though not no) body horror in the sense of shocking and gory violence or something directly inflicted upon you by an obvious outside force. Instead it’s the horror of the body being usurped or broken from within, horrifying parasitism, some invisible injury or lack making it impossible to do what is expected of you, or a terrifying transformation that’s only dimly understood as it’s lived through that predominate. There are, unsurprisingly, quite a few stories that are in one way or another about the horror of pregnancy, of some disease or failing leaving you so disgusting as to be exiled from conventional society, or both.

While there isn’t much of a unifying subject or throughline between all the stories in the book, the organization and ordering of them actually does a very good job highlighting similarities between specific pairs or small sets of them. One story that is in some sense about or preoccupied with pregnancy or disfigurement or parasitism or romantic connection will be followed by another with an entirely different setting, plot and subject matter which is still very interested in the same theme. It works very well to give the book a sense of cohesion and structure, and makes some of the stories feel like much more than the sum of their parts.

This is definitely a book for a very specific audience – the kind who will read a first story that starts with strange pupating growths breaking across the narrators chest being described in careful and loving detail, and happily power through as it mostly just escalates from there. But for that audience, I absolutely recommend giving this a try.

In which case, the crowdfunding campaign is still active until March 11th – you can back it here.

[loupy-mongoose]

So, I made some impulse purchases recently, including this lovely little gal.

Hai Luna~

When I ordered her, it started a bit of a Gardevoir kick in me. So I went and did some brainstorming about Jamie's Gardie pal, Clover.

This did get very long, but there's a lot of art that I really like! :3 Plus I borrowed a certain someone from @mewtwoandme~

Growing up I always drew the green headpiece as a bony structure with maybe green skin on it, like deer antlers. (Except it doesn't shed lol)

But in my efforts to redecide what it actually is to me, I went to Bulbapedia, and that called it hair. So I tried out hair as well, and I kinda like that better...

I love my deranged Gardie. :>

(Leaning into "Mischievous Fairy/Pixie" energy)

I wanted to draw some Gwen (M&M's Gardevoir), as her and Clover's characters are different in a lot of ways, and I thought it would be fun to draw them together. Turns out Gwen dwarfs my girls, and I adore that in every way. XD

I also came to realize that Jamie would admire Gwen--She doesn't wish change on Clover in the slightest, but she does like the grace that more conventional Gardevoirs possess. Plus she'd be astounded by her sheer size.

For the fun of it, I tried drawing them both in each of our styles. (Or more like "Features" than "style")

I did not like drawing Gardevoir in her style. All the respect and love to M&M, but it felt SO wrong to me personally. XD

Annnnd... I kinda accidentally thought of a different way to take their designs...

And then I tried to figure out the logistics of giving Gardvoir a tail. I kinda like the idea of there being one that blends into the Skirt, splitting and running down the length of the skirt ends.

A little character lore; Clover removed her skirt on purpose.

Growing up, I always had in mind that the skirt was skin, maybe acting as thermoregulation, or something like that. I don't think I ever decided whether they can feel through their skirts or not, but if I want it to be more angsty, then yes, they can feel.

Warning for general and self-inflicted injury in this paragraph. As a kid I figured Clover cut it off to prevent it from getting caught or grabbed. But now, with the developing idea of there being a tail involved, I got another idea with even more angst. I'm thinking possibly Clover had a tail bone broken, and maybe it healed wrong, causing her pain so she ripped off the whole skirt.

Okay, injury warning is over.

And now a little silly that's not exactly canon, but close enough. XD

Y'all can thank @puzzled-zebra for this, as she brought up the idea during a chat. It was too good to pass up. XD

And now I wish to finish with a nostalgia ramble, because Clover is very precious to me, along with Jamie.

I started a playthrough of Soul Silver many, many years ago--even before the playthrough that would become Jamie's trainer journey over ten years ago. It was a solo run, with a Ralts egg sent in to be my only companion. (I kept the rules soft, though, as I remember needing help from other Pokemon to beat Bugsy. XD) My memories of that playthough are faded, but I remember that Clover alone beat the Champion at level 64-65. Sometime within the next few years, she was my first ever Pokemon to reach level 100 without the use of Rare Candy or experience cheats. That playthough and whatever happened in it has no bearing on Clover's story, but it's what gave birth to her as a character, and I hold that very dear.

Her nature is "Hardy, Likes to Fight", and I'm really proud of little me for taking that in the direction she took it. XD

Anyway, that's my super long love-dump of my beloved gremlin fairy. Thanks to everyone who made it all the way, I know it got pretty long. ^^

[otaku553]

What if none of those things help? I end up more frustrated when studies don't go well or when I have new inspiration and can't draw it well. I just lapse into more studies and get more frustrated.

Consider a change of routine! Sometimes trying something new like a new brush, new method, new style, will help you break out of consistency and change the way that you draw so that it feels more satisfying for you. For example, most of my comic linearts were previously done with a rectangular brush that I later changed to a fuzzier round brush and that round brush made my strokes looser and faster and and gave it more flow and fluidity, giving me a new stylistic element to play with. Sometimes different tools have a very concrete effect on how you draw, and playing around with that occasionally is good and healthy for growth.

Another drastic shake-up that I highly recommend is moving away from whatever you normally use to draw and doing it on something low-stakes and casual instead. For me, this is getting off of Procreate and doodling in Goodnotes. Maybe try ballpoint doodles on a napkin or a post-it note. I find that this fools my brain into relaxing my own expectations for my art. I start to think, if it doesn't look good, of course it doesn't; I don't have all the tools, and I'm not doing it seriously anyways. It's a doodle, it doesn't need to be a masterpiece.

This is unfortunately the extent of advice I can give on quick fixes. I would like to say: I often don't like telling people to change because when I get told I need to change, it implies that I'm actively doing something wrong. It feels bad.

But when it comes down to it, the only person that can really determine and meaningfully change the way you think and feel about your art is yourself. I know change is slow and difficult, and not something that can be done on a whim or the flip of a dime, but that's what it takes sometimes if you think you love art enough to want to continue drawing.

For me, I like to think that anything I draw has inherent value simply by being something that I've drawn-- It's not just the result of the time I spent drawing it, but constantly, always, a culmination of years of practice and effort and experiences that are mine, unique to me. That inherent value and the pride it gives me means that no matter how frustrated I feel at not drawing well enough, I know I'll come back to it eventually and continue growing.

I would ask you to consider what you think you draw for. Beyond just why you're frustrated, why is it that a drawing needs to look good to you; where do the stakes come from? Find ways to break down those stakes and lower your expectations, and I think you might find somewhere beneath those the enjoyment that propelled you to draw for so long in the first place.

[ladyloveandjustice]

My Favorite New Manga and Graphic Novels I Read in 2024

I read 114 manga volumes and graphic novels last year! Here’s a link to my Goodreads year in books, which tallies one book from each manga series ( I've arranged it so the manga/gns at the beginning, the novels start with Red, White & Royal Blue) and my storygraph wrap up.  

I have a post for my favorite books of 2024 you can read here! I also have a post on my top 12 anime for 2024 and you can read it here! (Also, since a lot of this is yuri, check out my broader yuri manga rec post here!)

Now let's get to all the new manga, with a little check in on ongoing titles at the bottom!

Love Bullet by inee

When someone who never had the chance to experience love meets an untimely death, they're given a chance to become a cupid. If they help enough people fall in love, they earn the chance to have another shot at life. Koharu meets her end after her best friend, Aki, confesses her love to her, and she becomes a cupid...

Love Bullet is a brand new yuri with fun characters and a cute art style that feels a little charmingly retro. The concept of modern day cupids using firearms and behaving like sharpshooters in an action movie is so fun, but there's also a beating heart behind it. The tragedy of Koharu's life being cut sort and the bittersweet arc where Koharu tries to help her living best friend deal with her lingering trauma over her sudden death...it's touching and well written. All the cupids already have a really great dynamic, and as befitting a yuri, the way the girls approach their jobs is casually queer, with the "targets" often shown to have both guy and girl options.

It's a story with great potential that seems like it could go a ton of interesting places. It's a little different than the rest of this list that it's not officially out in English yet. The reason it's here is because the author sent out an SOS that the first Japanese volume is struggling in sales, and the international yuri community, excited about the awesome story they've seen so far, rose to the challenge and bought out the first volume in Japanese! So far it's been successful! If you end up reading it (you'll have to rely on scanlation but they're easy to find) or even if you just simply want to support a cool story. I really encourage you to do the same. Here's a document on how to buy the Japanese version. Hopefully, the grassroots support will mean we get an official English release soon!

The Summer You Were There by Yuama

All you lovers of tragic lesbians, this is for you. The manga follows Shizuku, a deeply depressed girl who is so guilty about something in her past she's got some serious suicidal ideation going. But when Kaori, a girl in her class, reads her writing and guesses what's behind it, she challenges Shizuku to a bet where she has to write a novel about a romance between the two of them. Now they're suddenly spending a lot of time together, and Kaori is helping Shizuku unpack her guilt. However, Kaori is struggling too. She's actually very sick, and though she hides it, it's getting worse.

The manga is a heart wrenching meditation on grief and redemption. For very different reasons, both girls think they don't deserve love and both girls are shown they're very, very wrong by the other.

I like how Kaori tries to be the manic pixie dream girl who fixes all of Shizuku's problems, but then Shizuku very firmly says "what the hell. no. You need support too" and they're both allowed to be full characters who find solace in each other. Shizuku's backstory is also really interesting, and it hits hard. It's just a very touching, but very sad read.

Barefoot Gen by Keiji Nakazawa

Barefoot Gen is a semi-autobiographical manga by Hiroshima survivor Nakazawa Keiji. Nakazawa said the story is taken not just from his life, but those of fellow survivors he talked to and lived with.

The story follows a boy named Gen, depicting how most of his family were killed by the atomic bomb, and how he struggled to survive in a post-war Japan, while surrounded by the horrible effects of radiation poisoning, economic devastation, and American imperialism.

It sticks out from other animanga I've seen about WWII bombings in that it's very critical and angry at the Japanese government, to the point that Gen even calls the Emperor a war criminal. What stands out even more is how direct it is in denouncing of Japan's war crimes against Korea and China, as well as condemning Japanese racism against Koreans. It makes sure you know that Korean POWs and forced laborers also died and suffered because of the bomb, and that the Japanese doctors discriminated against them, forcing Koreans to wait on receiving medical treatment until every Japanese person was treated.

It does a stomach churning, effective job depicting the horror of radiation poisoning and war, and its message is extremely firm: Its the common people who suffer in the wars while those in power exploit them, that war and violence are an endless vicious cycle we must break free from, and nuclear bombing must never happen again.

Though it puts a lot of blame on the Japanese government for entering the war and on citizens for supporting it, the story is also critical of America's cruelty and imperialism, depicting lot of things America did to Japanese citizens post-war we don't get taught-- like soldiers sexually assaulting Japanese women, like getting Japanese labor activists and protestors removed from their jobs, like literally torturing Japanese leftists, like luring Japanese citizens to treatment centers with promises of medical aid for radiation sickness, only to collect the data and send them off with no help...

Though the manga is brutal, there are moments of comradery and kindness (and a lot of silly humor). Gen helps a lot of people along the way, and his resilience and his message not to give up is the heart of the manga. It's educational and very direct about subjects that both sides don't want to acknowledge-- both Japanese nationalists and American nationalists do not like it (you can learn more about that here). Despite extremely gruesome content, it's aimed at kids, so it's very blunt and direct in its messages and dialogue. But that can be kind of refreshing.

 It can get a little repetitive on occasion and storylines and characters tend to be introduced very abruptly, but it does keep you rooting for and feeling for the characters all the way through. I think it's an essential, highly informative and unforgettable read, and everyone should read at least a little bit. Or at the very least, read this interview with Nakazawa. If you can't handle the gruesome imagery of the comic, he describes his experience pretty in depth here, and there's a lot of other insight.

This Monster wants to Eat Me by Sai Naekawa

Hinako is a depressed girl who survived a terrible trauma and has been searching for death ever since. One day she gets approached by, Shiori, a mermaid who wants to eat her…but the thing is, this monster mermaid is a gourmet who wants her to be as delicious as possible, which means she’s going to make Hinako happy first before she eats her (as apparently that enhances her flavor). In the meantime Shiori has to fight off all the other monsters who want to snack on Hinako.

This is TOP TIER yuri horror and a must read for any lover of monster girls. It was custom made for a freak like me, who thinks a monster girl covered in the blood of her enemies seductively telling the protagonist she wants to devour her is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Shiori, the woman-eating mermaid in question, is a fascinating character right off the bat, always having a hint of menace and inhuman mystery, but showing some potential for genuinely caring for Hinako someday. There's an ongoing mystery of why monsters are so attracted to Hinako that's a good hook, as is the irony of Hinako starting to come alive thanks to a girl who wants to kill her. It's good stuff! And it'll get an anime soon, which I'm praying is worthy of such a cool story.

The Guy She Was Interested Wasn’t a Guy at All by Sumiko Arai

The green yuri! This web manga finally gotten a physical release this year! It tells the story of Mitsuki, a girl who works at a record shop. Her classmate Aya wanders in. Aya doesn't recognize Mitsuki with a face mask and hair hidden by a cap and immediately assumes Mitsuki's a guy. They bond over their mutual love of rock music and slowly start to get closer…and Aya finds her heart is fluttering not only over this mysterious boy, but her female classmate that seems a lot like him...

Despite it's clunky title, this manga makes a premise that could have been painfully cliche and, in the worst case, extremely uncomfortable and makes it work. It never swings into homophobic or transphobic territory imo. It helps that Aya is clearly catching feelings for "girl" Mitsuki along with "guy" Mitsuki from the beginning, subconsciously knowing they're the same person.

The focus of the story is the way their relationship develops through a shared love of Western rock music and it really captures the joy of finding someone who can share your interests and the affection that can spring up for that. The characters are very likeable and cute, the art is absolutely gorgeous, and the story as a whole has this laid back, naturalistic feeling while still developing at a good pace. I just really enjoy kicking back with my green yuri, and it's good reputation is well earned!

Maus by Art Spiegelman

This comic about Spiegelman interviewing his father, a Holocaust survivor, and learning his story (with Nazis being represented as cats and Jewish people as mice) is, of course, incredibly well known to the point it feels almost redundant to talk about it. But I did read it cover to cover for the first time last year, and unsurprisingly it's a great piece of art and an important story for anyone to look into.

The parts recounting the Holocaust were heartbreaking and horrifying as expected, and I'd expected that. But the things I hadn't heard as much about was how much the book explored Spiegelman's complicated relationship with his father, and his anxieties as an artist and whether he was the right one to tell this story. It was fascinating to see him struggle with those things, and it added a lot of layers.

The Moon on a Rainy Night by Kuzushiro

One rainy night, Saki runs into Kanon and is immediately infatuated with the other girl. When she sees Kanon at school, she discovers Kanon is hard of hearing. Kanon is understandably frustrated at the ableism she tends to endure. But as Saki reaches out and gets to know her, Kanon starts to open up. And Saki, having gone through struggles related to her sexuality in the past, starts getting anxious about her feelings for Kanon...

The Moon on a Rainy Night is just... REALLY good. Kanon is just a great character, and as a lover of stubborn, prickly girls I just find her so charming. She has a lot going on with her, like her interest in music and relationship with her family and various quirks.

One thing I really like is how narrative allows her to be frustrated about the stuff she goes through, allows her to have complex feelings about being disabled, and pays attention the little details. She has to clear up misconceptions she can't hear anything, she points out that only 20 percent of deaf people use sign language (but starts using it when she really relates to a movie and the way the cute actor uses it, which is such a teenager thing to do), the lip reading isn't treated as some magic thing, Kanon has to remind people to look at her or she can't hear them, and she misreads things a fair amount.

I'm not hard of hearing, so I'm far from the authority, but most examples of deaf and/or hard-of-hearing female characters I can think of in anime (okay so there's only two I can think of, can't say that qualifies as a pattern) are depicted as shy, super sweet and socially naive, so it's refreshing to have a character who brings some variety.

Saki is also super compelling as she wrestles with her insecurities.I really related when she was learning sign language and got bummed out by the heteronormativity of one sign (using "man" and "woman" for marriage). I also like that Saki finds an adult lesbian who gently supports her and mentors her, it's all very sweet. It's just a fantastic romance and character study, and I hope the upcoming anime does it justice.

Wash Day Diaries by Jamila Rowser and Robyn Smith

Wash Day Diaries follows four best friends and their daily lives through interconnected short stories. As the official summary states: "The book takes its title from the wash day experience shared by Black women everywhere of setting aside all plans and responsibilities for a full day of washing, conditioning, and nourishing their hair".

The comic makes a great use of color to reflect the characters' moods, and the girls are drawn vibrantly and distinctively. The peek into the characters' daily lives feels like getting to know some good friends, and there's a great attention to detail, especially with the comic's beautiful step-by-step depiction of how each woman does her hair and what it says about her.

 The comic touches on topics like depression, dementia, and homophobia. Just like real life, these things aren't neatly resolved, but the story does offer some hope and catharsis. It's a pretty quick read, but it's packed with good stuff.

Magilumiere Magical Girls Inc. by Yu Aoki

I'm going to give myself a little break and just reuse my entry for the anime. (The only difference between them is that the manga flows a bit better than the anime, moving at a faster pace with huge panels suiting the art style and the action!)

Being a magical girl is no longer the domain of teenagers, and has evolved into an actual career dominated by adult women. Kana becomes a magical girl for a scrappy start up company, and tries her best to navigate working life.

It’s the magical girl story about adult women I’ve been craving for years! Magical girl media often explores the struggles of adolescence and growing up, and this show takes us to the next step by using magical girls to explore what it’s like to be a young woman entering the working world. The focus is one Kana struggling to grow her confidence and accept support from her workplace, but it also has a lot to say about companies exploiting their workers, prizing efficiency and growth over actually taking care of their customers, and it shows how the world could be better than what it is right now. Check out my review here for more detail!

I Married My Female Friend by Shio Usui

A pair of best friends enter a platonic marriage they both agreed to with the promise they’ll divorce if one of them falls in love. But one woman has decidedly not platonic feelings for her wife, and is trying to repress them...

This is a sweet, laid-back story from the creator of Doughnuts Under the Crescent Moon. It has a very slice-of-life feel, with the characters feelings and conflicts developing subtlety. There's a focus on domestic life and the compromises and struggles one makes along the way. It's set in a world where gay marriage is legal in Japan, which is cool to see. If you liked Doughnuts, or are just looking for a chill yuri, I'd check this out!

Himawari House by Harmony Becker

 Himawari House follows the story of Nao, a half-Japanese woman who immigrated to America when she was young. She's now returning to Japan and feels a feels a deep sadness from how disconnected she's gotten from Japan's language and culture. While in Japan, she lives with two other girls, Hyejung and Tina, who are from South Korea and Singapore respectively. They form a friendship as all of them struggle to get used to Japan and deal with language barriers.

We get the interconnected stories of all three girls, and all of them are really interesting in their own way. This story does a lot of cool things with language, for example, showing words fading out when someone can't understand them, giving the reader the same experience the character is having trying to understand the language. It was a fascinating experience. The book does an effective job exploring Nao's feelings of alienation from both America and Japan, while having a lot of other interesting plotlines that made all the characters feel rounded and developed, such as struggles with independence and expectations from parents, trying to navigate romances, and dealing with homesickness. The art is beautiful as well. This is a well crafted and insightful story, that you might find especially great if you're interested in languages, cultures, stories about identity, and stories about Japan.

Kiss and White Lily for My Dearest Girl by Canno

Kiss and White Lily follows multiple lesbian relationships, with its main storyline being about two academic rivals, where one is determined to rank first in class, and the other is an effortless genius who becomes intrigued at the possibility of someone beating her.

The main couple have the kind of messy combative sexual tension I wish we’d see more often in yuri because it’s so good. I just love the drama and mixture of rage and attraction. The manga follows other couples too and while some stories are stronger than others, they're all usually entertaining in some way and its fun to watch the characters grow. The art's also very cute and the characters are vibrant. The ending is really strong too, putting a perfect cap on the story of the main couple especially.

However, big warning for some nonconsensual kisses in early volumes, with Kurosawa being especially pushy. There's also a storyline with...well it does leave you a little wiggle room on whether it's actually incest between a minor and an adult portrayed romantically??? but um. the implication is strong. Fortunately, that's mainly contained to the seventh volume--you can just skip any stories about the sisters.

When the manga is good, it's really good, and that makes up for some of the questionable elements for me, even if I wish they weren't there. You might agree or disagree!

Ongoing and ended titles:

Here's a look at some of the ongoing titles I've been following! You can look at this post for breakdowns of what they're all about and why I recommend them.

I Think My Son is Gay and I Want to Be a Wall both wrapped up with fairly open endings but remained good reads over all. I finally got around to finishing After Hours, a yuri about a girl who gets ditched by her friend at the club, only to meet a cool punk girl who introduces her to the world of DJ-ing. It's a very charming three volume tale, and I love the playful vibe and more natural-sounding dialogue, especially for the cool party-girl love interest.

There are several manga that just stay the course as far as being excellent go: Otherside Picnic (which is finally at some of the best parts of the light novels! It's getting real!), Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun, Witch Hat Atelier, A Man and his Cat, How Do We Relationship, March Come in Like a Lion, The Summer Hikaru Died and She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat.

For Yuri is my Job, I have to warn for a intense predatory sexual assault scene between an adult antagonist and one of the underage main characters. It's even ambiguous whether the underage character in question got raped for a few pages (but she wasn't). It's completely framed as a an evil, bad act by the antagonist, but how it was handled was SO intense and kind of weird I'm not sure how I feel about it. Yona of the Dawn has gotten incredibly intense lately and continues extremely slowly but surely approaching the finale. Maybe we'll get it in four years or something.

And that it! I'm going to happily keep reading all these manga, as well as continue checking out some new ones, like Akane-banashi! I hope you enjoyed these recs.

[minyard-05]

okay. maybe i will type up my caramel 2cents

(keep in mind it's 5 in the morning i've listened to it about six times already and i will be continuing all day)

so. To me. to me it's almost definitely the clearest message that's been in any of their songs. like if you read the lyrics and possess 2 pieces of knowledge (1: all members of the band deliberately remain anonymous by choice and 2: a lot of their fans are often bad at respecting this choice) i think it's very clear exactly what vessel is saying here.

but the first thing i want to bring up is the Sugar parallel. first of all, it's fucking everywhere: the title, the way it was teased, the style of the intro, ALL of this is very heavily linked back to Sugar.

but like. if you go back and listen to Sugar (which i did), and you read the lyrics, it ALSO has a very explicit message, although admittedly there is slightly more metaphor in this one. but just as an example:

i wonder what that could mean

it's no secret that both Sundowning and This Place Will Become Your Tomb are about being in/escaping an abusive relationship, one that's specifically emotionally manipulative and isolating, and this entire scenario is reflected in what we know about Vessel and Sleep. that's a separate essay in itself, but i'm going into the rest of this operating on the assumption that we all know and are aware of those topics being prevalent most on ST's first two albums.

and now. Caramel.

as a very basic explanation of what went on with the actual release of the single: essentially, someone involved with the band i think posted about being excited for it to be released and fans came back and lost their shit for it not being 'enough information' or not being 'exciting enough'. my first response to that is get a grip. my second response to that is stop acting like they owe you anything because it's literally just a band. like this is their day job. leave them alone.

ANYWAY.

unfortunately, the aforementioned bullshit about Caramel's release ended up being ironic as hell because the single dropped today, and what is it about?

exactly that.

i mean. come on. come on. like i can't explain this any better than vessel already did, the message isn't even hiding behind a metaphor anymore. what else could "I guess that's what I get for trying to hide in the limelight" possibly mean? sleep token kind of shot into mainstream when Take Me Back To Eden came out, they suddenly went from smaller venues on tour for TPWBYT, to selling out Wembley stadium on Teeth of God, and that's a stressful place to be as an artist. you go from making music for yourself and writing what you want to write, fuck what anyone else says– to immediately being Watched and Observed and Studied like a fucking experiment. all of a sudden people want interviews and people want to know what you're writing and people want the next song and it should be like this and it should be exactly like the last one and fans want fans want fans want.

this is why i would argue that fan culture is one of the most damaging things to musicians. because while it can be incredible to have so many people at your back who express a love for your art, it's suffocating to try and create when you can't get the reactions out of your head. what if they hate it? what if what you make isn't good enough? what if the last song they loved was a lucky break but the next one won't hit right and they'll hate it and they'll hate you and then you lose all of it because you couldn't do it right.

so do you get why the band might want to stay anonymous? that's not even getting into the media and the paparazzi themselves, which are their own issue.

with all this said, that's what caramel is about: the message is stop. it doesn't matter if we don't know their names or their faces, the members of sleep token are people and they deserve respect like anybody else. you don't get to demand anything from them, whether that's music or information or whatever else. they don't owe you anything. you choose to listen to the music, to buy the merch, go to the concerts, that's your decision. you're not entitled to anything from any one of them, because i'll repeat: this is their job. they're working when they're onstage, in the studio, even handling releases like this. and as a songwriter myself, it's fucking work. it takes hours and hours of looping 7 seconds of a song to get the mix exactly right, millions and millions of takes and rehearsals and writing sessions and it's fucking exhausting.

so i guess my final thing is just. listen to the music. engage with the other fans if you want to. enjoy what the band is freely sharing with you (listen to the message they're sending) and just don't be a prick. <3